The Separation Planning Hub of Eastern Ontario helps people move forward after a partnership ends… while putting their children first
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A non-profit, community-based, client-centred service, the Separation Planning Hub of Eastern Ontario recently hosted an online workshop called Navigating Separation where experts shared their insights.
Look at pressing needs… and beyond
“There will be immediate concerns: housing, financial needs, parenting schedule and then the building of a foundation for the family’s future,” says Linda Ogle, a registered social worker with Separation Planning Hub of Eastern Ontario (SPHEO), “but equally important are emotional needs of both the children and the parents.”
Linda Ogle. Photo Credit Valerie Whitlam
“It’s essential to get emotional support as well as legal information,” says Ogle. “Both parents are grieving the losses of a separation but are usually at very different stages, depending on who initiates it. Even if you’re in the middle of this conflict that has gone on for some time, you can do a reset that considers carefully steering your family’s future: what is going to work best for each of us and especially for our child or our children.”
Decide how you will communicate
Because everyone is feeling vulnerable during a separation, it is easy for misunderstandings to happen, says Ogle, so it is important to decide when and where you and your co-parent are going to communicate.
“Are you going to continue to have face-to-face conversations?” asks Ogle. “Will those conversations happen when the children are around and how can you make sure that those are civil conversations? It’s pretty hard when everybody is feeling fragile.”
Many former partners decide to take their communications online, Ogle says. “Sometimes they’ll text around particular issues or time sensitive things, but do a lot of the communications through emails.”
Ogle mentions two separate online platforms, “Our Family Wizard” and “2Houses,” designed for separated parents to use for communication.
The conversation can be seen by the parents and both sides’ assessors or lawyers. “It is a reminder to each other about what’s being said and what’s being decided,” Ogle says.
There are also books and courses that can help with communications skills, says Ogle.
Consider collaborative co-parenting
Many people will turn to litigation – get a lawyer and fight for their rights – says Ogle, but a much more important foundation is working on collaborative co-parenting, and a plan that balances predictability and flexibility.
“The focus needs to be the best interests of the children,” she says. From the outset, when you make a separation plan, you need to be able to have enough answers for your kids about where and when things are going to happen; who’s going to do what. And resist the temptation to draw them into the conflict or burden them with adult issues.”
See things from your co-parent’s point of view
When parents separate, they get really entrenched into their way of viewing the world and seeing what’s right for their child, says Ann Carson-Tempier, a retired registered psychologist and an intake worker for SPHEO. “They no longer are able to negotiate over something as when they were together. It’s hard for them to step back and say, ‘I do it this way and this parent does it that way, and both ways are fine for our child.’”
Ann Carson-Tempier. Photo Courtesy Ann Carson-Tempier
Reduce impacts on children
“In any separation, there is likely to be some anger, some dissatisfaction, some frustration,” says SPHEO member and retired child protection worker and clinician for The Office of the Children’s Lawyer Velma Guvenc. Conflict between parents – the most destructive being ongoing conflict – does impact children.
Velma Guvenc. Photo Credit Bulent Gunay
She advises keeping conflict away from children. Children overhear phone conversations, they overhear in-person conversations. “Pick-up and drop-off time is a time when parents often conflict with each other or have verbal exchanges,” says Guvenc. “Really, really difficult for children to handle that.”
“You need to remain sensitive to your children’s needs even though you as a parent, may be under a great deal of emotional trauma,” says Guvenc. “The immediate effect of a separation may mean a change of school, a change of home… but if children are reassured that their parent is capable and will continue to look after their needs, they can get through that process a lot easier. Teaching resiliency in all aspects of a child’s life is important in handling all kinds of challenges they may face, not just parental separation.”
Examine the legal aspect
People think if they separate, they have to go through court, says Carson-Tempier. “But there are several options before that, court being the last option.”
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That isn’t to say they shouldn’t see a lawyer. Even a one-time consultation with a lawyer early on can go a long way in giving parents the kind of information and guidance they need, says family lawyer and past board member of SPHEO Heather Zamorano. “Getting informed can be really important.”
Heather Zamorano. Photo Credit Celia Zamorano
The first area of law that needs to be addressed when you have children is parenting issues, says Zamorano.
“The law in Canada has shifted away from using the language of ‘custody’ and ‘access’ which created, for some, a perception that parenting was a right,” says Zamorano. “The focus now is on the responsibilities of parenting – the responsibility for decision-making and the responsibility for the child’s care – and the development of a parenting plan. Because of course parenting is a responsibility.”
The main aspects in the parenting plan that need to be addressed in a separation are the decision-making responsibilities and the time the children are in each parent’s care.
When creating a parenting plan, it helps to draw on resources such as professionals who have expertise in parenting, child development and mental health of children, Zamorano says. No less important is to consider the wishes of the children. It’s in Canadian and international law that children have the right to be heard although adults need to be the ultimate decisionmakers.
Understand how child support works
“It is the responsibility of both parents to support their children,” says Zamorano. “The government has prescribed very clear guidelines about what the expectations are around child support.”
The Child Support Guidelines are mandatory for courts to follow and can be accessed through Justice Canada. There are two components:
- Tables are established according to the income of each parent. Where children are going back and forth pretty well equal time between parents, there’s the consideration of both parents’ table amounts and what they should be paying to support their children in each household. There’s usually an offset done so the higher-earning parent would end up paying an offset amount to the lower-earning parent.”
- Special expenses, which are over and above the basic monthly amount of support and which is also shared between parents. Special expenses include things like childcare, high-cost extracurricular activities and post-secondary education.
Child support arrangements are always reviewable and are determined in the best interest of the child.
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Common worries during a separation include loss of:
– A child’s affection
– Time with a child
– A parenting role
– Financial assets
For more information
spheo.ca
“Over the long term, children of separated parents can thrive. They can do well; they can carry on with positive experiences in their lives.” - Velma Guvenc
“It is important to be mindful that the court process is an adversarial process so it can worsen conflict and just add to the emotional and financial toll on the family. In the vast majority of cases, separations can be settled outside of court, usually with a separation agreement.” - Heather Zamorano