Just breathe

Self-care, reducing anxiety and improving body image should be at the top of every family’s to-do list

Between balancing work, household chores, appointments, school, kids’ activities and childcare, many parents can’t find time to devote to self-care, Valerie Marsh says.

But what is self-care? Along with mental health and well-being, the terms are used generously on social media, in schools, parent groups and even workplaces, but what do they mean?

It could be exercise, getting sleep or taking time to breathe, says Marsh, the director of early learning at the Parent Resource Centre (PRC), a not-for-profit charity that helps build confident, resilient families in Ottawa. The exact activity will be different for everyone.

Marsh and Eden Hyslop, PRC’s family resilience program officer, offer advice to parents for nurturing their well-being while balancing parental responsibilities.

 

Ask yourself

Identify some of the unique barriers to self-care. Then, Marsh wants people to ask themselves: “What do you enjoy doing? What fills your bucket? Do you need more physical care? Do you need more emotional attendance?”

 

Acknowledge that the process may be tough

For some, the above questions can be difficult to answer. “There have been times in my life where things were so difficult that I’d have a hard time answering what I enjoyed doing,” says Marsh. “I was so wrapped up in being a good mom to my kids and taking care of their needs and my identity as a mother that I didn’t even know what I liked to do.”

Parents have a tough time prioritizing themselves, agrees Hyslop, a registered social worker. “They’re focused on taking care of their kids and making sure they’re OK, that they are fed, that they get exercise and go to sleep. They’ll say, I’ll do it all later.” The issue is when ‘later’ keeps being pushed.

 

Take small, frequent bites

Parents need to continuously replenish, refuel and do self-care, says Marsh. “That might look like smaller, more frequent things that we do in our day.” For example, Marsh suggests replacing a half-hour run with five spot jumps every hour on the hour. “And then do something else again in another hour. It could be calling a friend. It could be taking a pause. That kind of self-care is more like washing your hands – you do it throughout the day – versus getting a haircut.”

 

 

Be gentle with yourself

“There are no perfect parents,” says Hyslop. What there is, she says, is “a lot of pressure from the internet, from the in-laws, from the pressure we put on ourselves.”

She suggests looking at a situation from a different angle. “Even if you didn’t make that perfect dinner, you fed your kid. You got them to bed. It’s finding the little wins in all of that and congratulating yourself, even if it wasn’t your idea of perfect. There are already so many opinions in the world and so much negativity that being kind to yourself is that first step.”

 

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Body image issues and anxiety

As early as ages three to five, children start to form opinions about their bodies, appearances and self-worth, says registered psychotherapist Catherine Potter.

“Preschoolers start noticing body shapes and sizes and might start expressing preferences for certain looks,” she says. “Body image is part of our existence,” adds Potter. “It’s a normal part of child development.”

The problem is when body image is combined with pressure transmitted through the media. Youth between the ages of 15 and 24 are the highest users of social media, with teens seeing an average of 1,360 advertisements a day on social media alone, says Potter, a part-time professor and PhD candidate in the Counselling and Spirituality program at Saint Paul University.

“They’re exposed to a lot of information, a lot of misinformation and because their brains are still developing, it puts them in a position of vulnerability,” she says.

Body image issues, affecting both girls and boys, are often connected with underlying anxiety issues.

 

Speak positively about your own body

While parents may not have control over everything their child sees in the media, they can create a culture of body positivity in the home by taking care with how they speak about their own bodies, says Potter. Parents are encouraged to focus on the functionality, energy and strength of their bodies rather than just the looks.

“For example, you might say, “my body is not perfect, but it’s carrying me through today, and I’m grateful for that,” says Potter. “I’m grateful for the energy that I have. I’m grateful for the strength that I have.”

It’s also important not to tease teens about their bodies and to avoid comparing their bodies to others.

 

Watch for changes in behaviour

Change in regular habits — for example, if a child starts to make excuses to avoid mealtimes, says Potter — could be a red flag.

 

What parents can do

“How we communicate with our kids lets them know that it is safe,” says Potter. “Listen actively. Don’t be confrontational. What’s important is making sure that we’re staying in communication with our kids, so that if there is a big problem, they can actually communicate that to us without thinking, ‘my parents are going to freak out if I tell them.’”

“Communication sets the groundwork to be able to educate and then problem solve. We want to first connect, and listen and validate before we can even begin to educate or problem solve with our kids.”

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Prepared & Positive

Marsh, Hyslop and Potter spoke as a part of Rotary Club of West Ottawa’s Prepared & Positive event. The recent free event had more than 150 parents and caregivers registered to learn about child and youth mental health from experts in the field, says Rotary president Marcia Armstrong.

 

Quotables

 

“The reality is that your kid will struggle. It just depends where – in what domain – they will struggle. We don’t want to act that it’s the end of the world. We should hold space for them and for them to feel like it’s going to be OK.”

• Catherine Potter on helping teens with anxiety issues

“You can’t pour from an empty cup. Self-care is important to ensure that you are finding rest and calm moments in a world that is often placing pressures and unrealistic expectations on parents and caregivers.”

• Eden Hyslop on self-care

"Self-care doesn’t necessarily need to be by you. Let other people help you, too.”

• Valerie Marsh on accepting help